He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
