how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
