I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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