so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you would pick up someone in the library
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
