I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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