you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
