I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
