I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
