I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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