Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I intend to get homeless drunk
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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