she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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