I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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