there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
