Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
