what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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