Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
