I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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