Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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