My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
