i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize