this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
