I am puke
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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