Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Who died my cat blue again?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
