we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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