For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
