i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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