Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
