Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
