So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
