i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
