and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
