on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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