I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
