It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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