You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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