the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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