I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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