Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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