Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
