omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
