they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
