yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
People in love make me want to vomit
areolas are like halos for boobs.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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