matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
