apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
even my farts smell like vagina
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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