Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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