as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
