I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
