the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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