i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
