Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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