I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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