I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
