The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize