Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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