I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
