Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
