Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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